Midlife What?

I… am a liar.

I am a thief. I am a crook. I am a cheat.

I’m a narcissist, I’m a hypocrite, I’m a procrastinator. I’m crazy, victimized, and maybe a little psycho.

I’m a fraud.

Even now, as I sit before my computer on one of the rare days when Creativity, the Elusive Bitch, finally made a show, the contempt I feel about the qualities I so disgust in myself wells up in my chest, and rises to my eyeballs. I will not cry, I will not cry.

Ever feel this way?
Ever feel this way?

During these spells of discontent, my habit has always been to ignore the positive things about me, and rather beat myself up over whatever last thing I could think of, my self-esteem always a ready accomplice – the Curly to my Moe. And, while I am not interested in my body being a target of said whipping this go, as is my modus operandi, I will, of course, find something else to target. So, here I seem to be again, finding every last thing about me that I loathe, attacking my own integrity with a sharp knife, and combing through my life and psyche as a monkey might comb through the coat of a mate at mid-morning chatter time. I run down all of my failures- as a wife, mother, friend, employee, and more. I criticize myself for hurting others and for allowing myself to be hurt by others. And I chastise myself for not achieving my lifetime dream of being a “Famous Author”, as I had loudly called out I would be as young child of just six.

Hm, I've been doing it wrong all this time.
Hm, I’ve been doing it wrong all this time.

I will admit that some things I pull from the deepest recesses of my brain are mere morsels of a memory of something I did that I have convinced myself I surely ought to be embarrassed by, or something I said that I desperately wished I could reel back into my mouth, swallowing it whole, as though it never existed in the first place. Instead, it seems that these things continue to become larger than they are, and rather, I’m the one being swallowed whole.

In truth, I recognize my continued thoughts about me and my life is considered to be a classic midlife crisis. I am, after all, 41-years-old, and how the hell that happened, by the way, I have no idea.

Haha, can you relate?
Haha, can you relate?

But, by the time we’ve made it to our 40s, we’ve lived half of our life- what’s wrong with assessing things? For those like me, our kids are starting to outgrow us- and even flee the nest, we’re beginning to lose our parents, and we’ve entered what Doctor’s refer to as “the Cancer Years”. And, in truth, we’ve seen just enough of life to understand that we may possibly not be happy with the outcome of it. The midlife crisis is really just stopping to look at our lives and determine what we think. Some of us take drastic measures when confronted with their newfound recognition of unhappiness, but personally? I’m just looking to forgive myself, forgive others, and find peace.

Homer is one righteous dude.
Homer is one righteous dude.

But putting aside the obvious midlife thing, let’s look at the facts: I’m making choices- life altering choices, still, today, this late in the game. I’m fucking up all over the place- and more than once to the detriment of relationships near to me. I’ve made errors in judgement that, in hindsight, I find horrifying that I took part in willingly. And I have questioned my integrity on more than one occasion.

And, while I realize that I’m making myself out to be a horrific human being- one that, through veiled suggestions, you, as the reader may feel as equally horrified by as I have often been, I imagine just as many of you may identify with me…. I’m a human being, being human- still fucking up, still learning.

After all, as George Harrison famously sang, “With every mistake we must surely be learning.” And that’s the best I can do today.

George Harrison
George Harrison

(You can hear one of my favorite Beatles songs here… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3RYvO2X0Oo)

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11 thoughts on “Midlife What?

  1. I take your point. However, as I am twenty-seven years older than you, I may just have a bit of wisdom to offer. Go easy on yourself. Everything you have thought and experienced has brought you to this point. Consider what you might learn from all you’ve encountered, smile, and move on. The universe is not vindictive. Nevertheless, it will cycle our experiences over and over, until we get the lesson being offered. Let go of the negative stuff, it is harmful and rarely helpful. Love you.

    1. Yeah, I know you’re right, Dad. Just feeling crappy & being honest in my thoughts. These things never last, just dealing with so much stuff right now, and, as often is the case, I look to the closest whipping post I can find. Unproductive? Sure. But, like a quick shot into my vein, I feel better just for posting something real. Email you shortly. xo

  2. As they say, we are our toughest critic in life. But every mistake is most definitely a lesson learned, wisdom to pass down to our children & grandchildren to help guide them to not make the same mistakes. We’re only human after all, and we’re programed to learn by trial & error from the time we’re born.
    I feel ya on having those “beat yourself up” days. Everything from the past comes pouring out, every mistake, every insecurity. Self doubt is a demonic adversary, but you’re a strong & wise woman who can overcome anything. I mean, you’re married to a 3 months out of the yr gold miner. That takes a tough woman for sure! So just tell that self doubt demon to go back to hell where it belongs. You can accomplish anything you want to girly! 😉 xoxo

    1. Ah, thanks so much for the encouragement. Truth is, I know my feelings are not unique to me, which is really why I’m so open about them. I appreciate the read! 🙂

  3. you are such a sensitive person, love your writing and between jay and yourself, i see why you raised such a great son!

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