The last few days I have felt desperately sorry for myself. Horribly lonely, not a friend within a 20 mile radius, and without a car to go anywhere, I’ve holed myself away at home for yet another weekend. Alone. Broke. Unable to even take a quick trip to the store without committing myself to a 30 minute walk.
I am not choice-less, it is true; public transportation is certainly a possibility. Nonetheless, the 20 hours I spend in this capacity during the work week- including walking two miles in the mornings and another two in the evenings, has me preferring loneliness to one single more moment walking, or another second spent on a decidedly long ride to traverse a very short distance.
I’ve never felt so stuck, and so very alone, tinkering about my house in my bathrobe every weekend, texting my kids, fiercely wishing for conversation with someone close to me.
Still, feeling sorry for myself is optional, and if I let myself feel alone, I most certainly will.
And, hey, turns out I’m human. When I’m feeling as I am today, there is validity to it, although perhaps not a lot of value. Humility comes to mind.
Maybe there are reasons this very lonesome time in my life is a positive thing. The truth is, I don’t know the first thing about being alone. After all, until the last months, I’ve never in my life spent more than one day without communicating with another person face-to-face. And in that, maybe learning to be alone isn’t a bad thing.
The reality is, when I shroud myself in my loneliness, I pinch off the creative vein of my imagination for a positive future, instead accepting my “now” with a heavy heart and unbridled desolation. And, as I’ve come to understand time and again, that does nothing to assist me in forward motion.
This is just where I’m at today- it simply is. I may not love it, and I may want something better very soon, but feeling sorry for myself- while perhaps based in reality, does absolutely nothing to bring about those wants. And meanwhile, I’m missing opportunities to learn about me, to grow as an individual, to become reliant on myself, as I hole away in my depression.
So I’ll work going forward to focus on what I want, instead of so vigorously dumping my attention into what I am disenchanted by at this very moment. I cannot undo where I am today, nor can I rearrange events my life that have led me to it. But I can work to continually affect my tomorrows, through a myriad of positive steps- immediately among them, deviating from an attitude of abjection.
I certainly wouldn’t suggest it to always be an easy choice- but I’m a pro at making it…and failing at it…and making it again. And in the spirit of moving toward a brighter future, it all begins with a choice. And right now, I sure can’t change my circumstances, but I can choose how the hell I’m going to react to them. And the choices I make, allow my personal progression- and whether for the better or the worse is, for a large part, up to me.
And, PS. Holy Oprah-ish blog entry, Batman!